ATTENTION 🫵 BACHELORS!!! 🫵
I am not on “the apps” right now. Wanna know why? Too bad!
MAYBE it is because MEN have such STUPID PROFILES. (Women might, too, but I have not attempted to date them. Perhaps I should.)
BE ADVISED about the following preferences and their implications for any sensible woman (such as myself) wanting to date you:
🚨 offensively boring 🚨
Are any of these on your profile? Are you feeling called out? Good.
- Tacos
- Pizza
- Sushi
- Brunch
- Marijuana
- Coffee (SO ORIGINAL)
- “Music” (ARE WE TALKING BACH? ROSSINI? WAGNER???)
- “Coffee and a good book” (BET YOU THINK YOU’RE REAL SMART)
- “Having fun”
- “Laughing”
- “Chilling”
- “Self improvement” (WEAPONIZED THERAPY-SPEAK IN 3…2…1…)
🤮 revolting 🤮
Delete your profile and 🛑 STOP DATING IMMEDIATELY 🛑 if you list any of these interests:
- Fishing
- Hunting
- Steak
- Hamburgers
- Cheese
- Milk
- Guns
- Cryptocurrency
- Wagner
👍 infinitely and immediately interesting 👍
- Clair Obscur: Expedition 33
- Factorio
- …I’ll have to come back to this
🤔 intriguing 🤔
- References from ex-lovers available upon request
- Highly specific special interests (careful with this one)
- Doing psychedelics alone in the wilderness and writing fiction based on your experiences
- Opinions about opera Fächer, composers, performers, eras, styles, etc. Is coloratura for basic bitches?
- Play the bassoon (nobody plays the bassoon)
🤷 boring but redeemable 🤷
Look, I like these too, but you’re gonna have to be more specific:
- Hiking
- “Getting outside”
- Skiing
- Beer/Cocktails (YAWN)
- Video games (ARE WE TALKING ESPORTS OR FUCKIN MARIO OR SOME SHIT)
- Your dog (BET THEY STICK THEIR TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH)
- If you call yourself an “animal lover” and are not vegan then we have 🖐️ nothing to discuss 🖐️ (BET THEY STICK THEIR TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH)
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
